The "Unfinished Business" Weekend

"Now party people
Its time for the exquisite
No knock knock, who's that, who's there
Or Who is it..."

ANOTHER bachelor's weekend. Another list of events, stories that need to but shouldnt be told, and some of what might be reasonably called "unmitigated debauchery." Some friends and I left the state to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of a good friend and at the same time punish him for making that particular decision. Bear with me, I'm still trying to figure out how I'm gonna tell this story but rest assured, names have been withheld to protect the (YOU fill in the blank).

Pai Gow Poker. This is the only game I had ANY fun playing in the casino. I probably sat and played this for about 2.5 hours. Crazy fun...and you dont lose your ass right away. I think I only spent like $60 in that time span. I like how the dealers seem to rotate every 30 mins or so. It makes it funny when some people see a certain dealer heading their way and they immediately go to another table. We wound up doing that to this one dealer even tho she was really cool and funny...she was KILLING us. I've never seen someone get such good hands consecutively. She would have a flush on her bottom hand and a pair of Queens on the top. It was ridiculous. If I had been playing to actually win, as opposed to just bs'ing and having fun, I might've been tempted to cuss at her. It was that bad. At one point, she even told us that we'd be better off at another table and not b/c we couldnt afford to lose anymore...but she was just that hot. I mean...she was kicking our heads in. You know its bad when the dealer is telling you to take a walk. We made up some of the money, and maybe some self esteem, with other dealers tho.

The Arcade. This is usually the highlight of my trips to casinos...which is why I dont go often. But I have to say...this time...off the hook. The amount of laughs we got in the arcade this weekend were simply, embarassingly high. First of all, we played some of those games were you can win a prize like a lil furry toy that looks like its worth about 5 cents. One of em was that horse race game where you're supposed to roll a ball so that it falls into these red, blue, or yellow holes. Red advances your horse the furthest, then blue, then yellow. Well, the first match...I CRUSHED everyone. I mean, I might as well have been Usain Bolt. But the second match, I barely got out the gate. Whatever. I gave my toy to some kid there. But I kept the next toy, which was a fuzzy dice we won at this target practice game. The one where you have a pistol and you shoot the cork to knock over a soda can. Since I had nowhere to put this dice, I hung it from the button in front of my shorts and under my belt. I cant even tell you how many laughs this wound up causing...and that wasnt even the best part...

Teddy Rexpants. This is what I've named the toy that my friend won at that same target practice game. However, Teddy does tricks. Well, one trick...but he does it absurdly well. Teddy can be made to look like he's whacking off. I know some of you are shaking your head/rolling your eyes but listen. It looks so convincing that its possibly among the funniest things I've seen in my entire life. Lets paint a picture. Imagine your favorite teddy bear...leg cocked to the side, head bobbing up and down as he aggressively mangles his junkyard. Its fucking hysterical. I dont even know how we came about figuring out that Teddy can do this trick. But got damn I'm glad we did.

Debauchery. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been corrupted. Before this weekend, if you would've said "Lets go to a strip club" to me, I would've went but not been expecting to have a great time. I was pretty much over it. Most strip clubs reek of desperation and women with bad judgment. But the one we went to last Friday night....MY GOODNESS. Damn near every flavor of woman you could want to see was represented and represented WELL. I dont want to incriminate MYSELF but lets just say I damn near promised a girl a brand new, used, Honda Accord.

This is getting long but there's like a dozen crazy events that happened. All of them unexpected. All of them hilarious. I'm calling this the "Unfinished Business" Weekend. Here's why:

When the "Its Time to Party" hour hit, I was expecting there to be "Total Kaos" given the characters in our group, but what wound up happening is that a couple of "Jane II"s told a friend of mine to "Please Listen to My Demo" but she really wanted "The Big Payback" so he told her to "Get the Bozack." Personally, I might've been like "So Whatcha Sayin" b/c some of those girls were "Strictly Snappin Necks" and "Knick Knack Patty Wack" didnt sound like such a bad idea as long as I knew "Who's Booty." Thats how you know "You Had Too Much To Drink" tho so me and the crew hopped back in the limo b/c by the end of the night, "It Wasnt Me, It Was The Fame."